Loyalty
by twilio
Summary: A but angsty. One of the pilots thinks about loyalty. Don't read if your easaly bored. It tends to go on a bit...


Title: Loyalty

Summary: One of the pilots thinks over the real meaning of loyalty.

Warnings: Minor language, vagueness, it tends to go on to long.

Authors note: I didn't put names for a reason. You can probably see who I'm talking about, but the main reason is that this is a true story that happened to me and I just wanted to get the insanity of it off my chest. Stupid things lead to stupid arguments. Never forget that. It does go on for a long time and you'll probably get bored. I apologize but will not be changing any of it or shorting it. I just kept tying until it was done and it'll say this way. Sorry.

Don't own, don't sue.

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I just sat. That's all I did… Sat there and stared at my wall, my music softly playing in the background, but I didn't hear it. All I wanted to do was sit and stare.

_Go discover what loyalty really is then come back to me…._

The words still burn in my mind. I thought I had been loyal. All I had done was want him to go to the doctors. I know he was stubborn about it. We've had these conversations many times before. But I just care so much about him, about all of them. I just want them to take better care of themselves. Was that wrong of me? Does this make me disloyal because we fought over his health?

_Go discover what loyalty really is…._

I grudgingly brought myself to the real world and turned my computer back on. As I watched the bar slowly fill in progress of the screen. I though about everything that had happened today. When I had woken up I knew something bad was going to happen, although I didn't really know what.

I had been doing work around my house for the better part of the day, when I finally heard you call. You said you had already had called…. twice. Even though I looked through the caller ID I couldn't find you number there, and thought maybe that you had been mistaken. It wasn't till I went into another room that I saw your number there. That had been my first mistake.

I told you about that, but you accused me that you just weren't important to me anymore. Even though you were joking and we both knew you were, it hurt me deeply. I tried to change the subject but you pestered on with that joke until I couldn't take it. I snapped at you, I know I did, but you were not the only one who has told me of what a bad friend I've been lately. Even though they did not say it directly…. It's just the same as your joke, for we both know the truth was behind that laughter.

You took it rather well, making yet another joke out of it. But that only led to another argument before I forced myself to be dismissed from the conversation, hoping to end the bitterness that had just formed between us. You were the first to recover. You called me back like nothing had just happened and began telling me stories about work. It was rather enjoyable… Until you asked for that favor. It was simple… Just help you do a small project that would only take about a day to complete. It would have been nothing at all for me to complete, had I not been so busy at the moment. I told you that I would later. Told you that I was doing something else right now.

That's when the trouble began once again. You went into how you relied on me for doing this, because the others would have given you odd looks. I asked if you had not heard me about saying that I would later; you replied with saying I never did things for you at all anymore. I bit my lip and told I was almost done and would start it in a bit.

Things settled after that, so I had thought. But I felt dread arising again as I send you some documents to look at of a current project I was working on. You noticed some small details of it, but gave me no praise for my work. It didn't hurt me that badly. I've become used to not getting any gratitude to my work lately. I had just hope that… Well maybe that was my problem was that I had been hoping for too much. To continue my dismay you went into a story about how my work reminded you of something that one of your friends did. I'm be lying if I said I wasn't jealous of you're friends. They had always stolen a lot of you're time away from me and not only that but I knew very well that they didn't approve of me at all. I honestly didn't see why except for a few vague reasons. But I just pushed all that passed me, and began on your project.

I worked on the core of it first, knowing very well that it was all that mattered. And I worked hard on it too, as you continued your story telling to me. I got it done surprisingly fast and sent the data back to you. You told me that it was well done and secretly I wondered why you only praised my work, when it was just improving something you had already did, while you seemed not to care about my work at all.

That's when you told me of the mistake I had made and as soon as you said it I knew what I had done wrong and fixed it. It was just then that you sent me the data back showing me the corrected error. I laughed as I sent my refined version that I had gotten done seconds ago back to him. They were both identical. It amazes me that even when we argue so much we can still be so closely connected that we will end up thinking on the same levels on a lot of things.

Things seemed well again as we caught up and chatted lightly, but that was until you got a headache from the eyestrain of looking at the vidphone for so long. That was when it happened. Stick three as you told me once. I had already hit the first two, but not even I was expecting it to go that far. Everyone knows that when you get a headache you get grumpy. You'd have to be a deaf, blind, old bat not to notice it. You started in about how my fonts on my letters bothered you. My fonts of all things! The colors hurt your eyes. So I changed it. But that color didn't last long as I changed it quickly again. At which you complained again once you say what it was. So again I changed it. Changed it to simple black. What's wrong with black? I thought it was one of your more favored colors. But the /contrast/ was bothering you. I was growing agitated at this point but I changed it for you again. When you promptly said you couldn't even tell what color that was I snapped again. You told me I was being mean. I told you that you were simply complaining to me though I'm certain I didn't say it that sweetly.

Then you told me that you didn't mean to be you were just having a trouble with the fonts. I told you to go get your eyes checked and thus opened Hell's gates apparently. You said sorry, but we both knew it was a lie. I bluntly told you that and that you wouldn't go. I know how stubborn you are. You told me that you weren't going to go. Did I not just say that? I told you to just deal with your problem then. It wasn't the first time your eyes had hurt you and I'll be dammed if it was going to be the last. You retorted with a sly comment about not going to a regular doctor either. I simply replied to you that the truth was that not everyone could change a simple thing like a font color eighty times just to appease you.

You just kept on with it. I had been using that same font, that same color for months now. Why did you wait until now to tell me? You went into how your "friends" had adapted for you. I told you that you could have at least asked nicer. You repeated yourself word for word and asked what was not nice about that… I told you that I still had changed it for you, and that after that is when you began to hassle me about a simple FONT COLOR! I snapped at you yet again saying how pointless this conversation was. Which it truly is point less. Arguing over something so stupid.

You didn't let it drop. You told me that you were pissed because you were insecure about multiple things about yourself yet would not go get them fixed. I asked why you just wouldn't go to the doctors. You simply refused to. I asked whether it was your pride and stubbornness or was it because you knew that there was something wrong. You said a little of both. I wanted to laugh. You told me how I had poked and prodded you about this and now you were pissed and feeling inferior. I wanted to spit at you. I told you that my only intention was that I was worried for you're heath. You told me bother about it wouldn't make you go. I told you that you were just too stubborn for your own good. You agreed. I wanted to knock some sense into you. I told you that I knew it meant nothing to you. You told me that everyone accepted your doctor problem but me. I refuse to believe it. A true friend wouldn't let you go in bad health forever.

You told me not to waist my breath. I had replied that I had already said it and would not take it back. You didn't care if I did. I said despite that I would still stand by you. That's when you decided to rip my heart out.

_You're not as loyal as you tend to think you are._

I'm more loyal than you think I am. I know you don't think so, because I know you see all the times you think I've betrayed you, but despite all the times, besides every thing that has happened between us, besides the fact that we fight every damn time we talk near about I've still stuck by you.

_You used to..._

_You don't think I'm sticking by you now?_

I'm not even gonna touch this one.

I tried to explain that I wasn't betraying you…. that I was only worried about you. But you did not listen.

_Go discover what loyalty really is then come back to me…._

That was the end of it as you hung up on me. I wonder now how I betrayed your loyalty. Did I truly do something wrong? I had only been worried about your health. Or was it because I was the only one who changed this issue with you. Was it because I refused to go with what you wanted? Because I refused to go with you I broke you loyalty, because I had been worried for your health? Because by going against you may have been the only way to try and help remedy this? How have I betrayed your loyalty? Just tell me how!

I looked at my computer screen as the icon flashed waiting for me to type in my password. I wondered how long I had left it waiting. As soon as the code was in I brought up my navigation window and went to the only place I could think of that may have an answer to me. That thought saddened me a little as the webpage for the dictionary appeared. I typed in the simple word. _Loyalty…._

(1)_loy·al·ty (loil-t) n. pl. loy·al·ties_

_1. The state or quality of being loyal. See Synonyms at fidelity._

_2. A feeling or attitude of devoted attachment and affection. Often used in the plural: My loyalties lie with my family._

I wanted to cry at that sentence. I had always thought of you as family. I had always been devoted to you. Even when we fought I still was with you in my heart. I still cared for you. I still wanted to protect you. I never wanted to hurt you. I loved you…. I still do…..

So then why wasn't I loyal anymore? Who was at fault here? Although I knew not the answers I knew what had to be done. I turned off my computer and headed for the door. Even if you think I've betrayed you, I still wanted to be there for you. I could only hope that you would once again accept me. Accept me, despite my fault. Despite the fact that you think I betrayed you. Just please…. Please forgive me…. Even though I still do not realize what sin I truly committed in the first place.

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(1) Care of of which their source is The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition

Copyright © 2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company.

Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.


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